The New Testament Deconstructed

Fitzgerald maintains that there are problems with the crucifixion; Jesus does not take long enough to die. The Romans crucified their criminals because it was a long, lingering death, yet Jesus is dead in 3 or 6 hours depending. He cites a point that Robert Price raised: perhaps with other clues like Jesus begging for his life in Gethsemane, the rapid burial, Pilate’s surprise that he died so quick reflects an original ending to the story in which Jesus does escape. It matches certain OT figures like Joseph and Daniel who are innocent but persecuted. And it matches a literary device of a comatose person being buried alive and being accidentally rescued by grave robbers. But in the end Jesus died because he was so weak. According to the Urantia Book, Jesus was put on the cross at 9:30 of Preparation Day, which was a Friday (the day before Passover), and he died about 3:00 in the afternoon. Around noon there was a sandstorm off the Arabian desert which covered the sun. His last words were: “It is finished! Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” (UB Paper 187, pp.1734-1740) So to answer Fitzgerald, it took Jesus about 6 hours to die. His bestowal on Earth was his seventh and last bestowal. He had lived the life of the people on six previous planets. That meant that he could go back to Salvington, the artificial planet which served as his headquarters. Salvington had several (7) satellites and they each had 7 sub-satellites. They were used for educational purposes and creative purposes. It also meant that he was now the Sovereign God of Nebadon, our Universe. That’s what he meant when he said, “All power in heaven and earth have been given to me.”

There is a fascinating kink I just discovered in Marks Gospel. The Urantia Book saya that, Jesus, while on the cross was going over in his mind the 20th, 21st and 22nd Psalms. He muttered aloud the words, “I know the Lord will save his anointed.” and “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He only said these words because they were part of the Psalm, not because he felt despair. According to Fitzgerald, the protagonist of Psalm 22 is rescued at the last minute, and this inspired Mark’ story. He says some scholars wondered through history if there was a happy ending for Jesus.

There is another problem with the crucifixion. In John’s Gospel the legs of the two criminals were broken, but Jesus was already dead, so they didn’t break his legs. Instead, “they thrust a lance into his side, and immediately blood and water ran out” (19:34). Physically, as Fitzgerald points out, this is impossible. Jesus is dead and no liquid would flow out of him. But it works on a symbolic level: the blood is the Eucharist and the water is baptism.

In Matthew the crucifixion was more elaborate than the other Gospels. The centurion looked at Jesus’ death and said, “Truly, this was the Son of God.” There was darkness for 3 hours, which happens to be true (UB). Oddly, it was not recorded in the other Gospels. The veil in the Inner Temple was ripped in half. The dead saints rose from their graves and walked around Jerusalem. In Mark’s Gospel Jesus is crucified at 9:00 in the morning. Mark has a board with a the charge against Jesus: “The King of the Jews.” Mark also says that darkness came over the Earth from noon until 3 PM, which again is true. In Mark also the veil in the Inner Temple is ripped in half. And the centurion says, “Truly, this was the Son of God.” (15:38-39) But we know from Bible scholars that Matthew and Luke took their basic story line from Mark, adding material from other sources and changing some of Mark’s. Luke’s crucifixion scene is slightly different from Mark’s. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”(23:34). That was just a stab in the dark–it is not in the UB or anywhere else. Luke also has a sign above the cross, saying “The King of the Jews.” But Luke puts a new wrinkle into his acount of the passion. One of the criminals turns to Jesus, and is saved.

Again, I think John’s Gospel is the only crucifixion acount that can be trusted because, if I am right about his being the writer of the Gospel, the whole acount makes more sense than the other Gospels’ acounts of the crucifixion. His Jesus, when he dies, says calmly, “It is finished” (19:30). Jesus “handed over his spirit.” Isn’t that the way an advanced Yogi would die? Isn’t that the way a God would die if he knew it wasn’t the end? And John was there with the women at the foot of the cross. Also there were Mary, Jesus’ mother, Mary, the wife of Clopas and Mary Magdalene. The Urantia Book lists more people, but the 3 Marys is symbolic, like the 3 fates. Jesus’ last item of business was to make sure that his mother was secure. He said to John, “Behold your mother.” and he said to Mary, “Behold your son.” Mary went to live with John, but she didn’t live long after Jesus.

I watched a documentary about a hoaxer who went to great effort to create a story that Jesus escaped the crucifixion and went to France with Mary Magdalene and fathered the Merovingian line of kings. In this story the hoaxer was the real king of France. Because of the Priory of Sion, he got away with this hoax for a long time. And the damned books, of course. I’ve heard another story that Jesus went east with one of his 3 kids, Joseph. Only MM went to France with Joseph of Arimathea. But Joseph wasn’t a real character. His name means ‘Best disciple.’ Fitzgerald has a lot more items of fascination from the Gospel of Mark. Maybe I’ll use a whole essay just for puns.